Antonin Scalia Damned on 5-4 Vote
(The Pearly Gates, Heaven) — The soul of Antonin Scalia was sentenced to eternal damnation earlier this morning in a 5-4 ruling in “Perdition vs. Scalia.” Writing for the minority opinion of Divine Judgement, St. Peter dissented from the majority that while the former United States Supreme Court Justice could be “prickly, and even offensive,” he had committed “only minor sins, which this Court has typically seen fit to ignore or — at worst — punish by several thousand years of purgatory.”
Writing for the Majority the Archangel Michael, said that the Heavenly Court considered itself bound by numerous precedents, and pointed out that the defendant had frequently violated Scripture, specifically “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” “numerous instances of Pride,” and several unpaid parking tickets. The Archangel, bathed in a bright yet soothing glow, finished his statement by saying that “While this Court does recognize the exemplary work done by the deceased, tradition demands his damnation.”
Several court watchers stated that the soul of the deceased nodded approvingly at the decision, before screaming in terror as one of the waiting demons dragged him away to his eternal fate.
When reached for comment, Satan said that he had not yet decided on Scalia’s punishment. However, he did add that Minos, the Infernal Judge of Souls, had already received Scalia’s application for a clerkship and was inclined to accept.